The way someone shows up in the world is often how people perceive their gender. They look at what we are wearing, the clothing of our material, the colors, our cell phone covers, our water bottle colors, the types of shoes, the color of our glasses, do we have long hair, short hair, a beard, body hair, how we stand, the way we talk, the jewelry we are wearing, if we are wearing make- up and much more. Of course, not everyone wears and/or has access to the above. People are often looking for visual indicators to determine what our gender is so that they begin engaging gendered language.
It is crucial to break the habit at looking at someone and/or their name to determine what pronouns they use and what their identity is. We need to get out of the habit that certain colors, postures, designs, fabrics, jewelry, make-up, and much more are for specific genders and not others. The reason this is important is because it prevents us from causing unintentional harm by misgendering someone.
Misgendering someone means using the wrong pronouns and/or gendered language that does not match the person’s identity. It is important to use the pronouns that the person shares with you are their pronouns. If the person does not share their pronouns and/or you do not know them, then use the person’s name. If you do not know their name and you are trying to refer to them, talk about them and/or engage them use a descriptor. An example is: the person in the blue shirt, versus that guy over there.
Quick definition: Societal constructs are ideas that have been created as well as accepted by people in positions of power who dictate what is acceptable and/or appropriate.
Cis- Cis and/or cis gender is a term used for when someone’s identity matches the gender they were assigned at birth.
The societal constructs communicate that male pronouns are he/him; female pronouns are she/her and gender-neutral pronouns are they/them and/or other pronouns that people use. However, there is no such thing as male/female/gender neutral pronouns. Our societal constructs have dictated that he/him are male, she/her are female and they/them are gender neutral. There are many people whose identity does not fall within the gender spectrum of solely male and/or female and still use she/her and/or he/him pronouns. Just like there are many people who are cisgender and use they/them pronouns.
Remember, just because someone shares their identity, that does not mean that the pronouns you and/or others have assumed to be associated with that identity are going to be the person’s pronouns. An example: if someone shares that they are a trans man, that does not mean that the person’s pronouns are he/him. If someone shares with you that the person is nonbinary, this does not mean the person uses they/them pronouns. The only way to be certain the pronouns someone uses is if they share with you what the person’s pronouns are.
Quick definition: A macroaggression can be verbal and/or nonverbal. It communicates a negative message and/or behavior that is intentional. An example would be not dating someone because they are trans.
Microaggression can be verbal and/or nonverbal. It communicates a negative message and often unintentional. An example would be I could not even tell you were trans.
So, why is any of this important:
Knowing that the way that someone expresses themselves to the world does not define their gender/identity and that one’s gender/identity does not define their pronouns is crucial to avoid causing harm engaging in transphobic micro- and/or macroaggressions.
What to do every time you meet someone, and not just someone who you think may be trans and/or non cis:
Introduce yourself with your name and your pronouns. If the person choses to not share their pronouns, use their name. If someone does not share their pronouns with you, they may not feel safe enough to do so because it has not been safe for them to in the past. Please do not push someone to share something they are not ready to. Remember, our society is constantly erasing non cis people’s identities by not having them included in, but not limited to; forms, census, movies, tv shows, magazines, rental applications, passports, birth certificates, restrooms, and so much more. Please do not add to this trauma and/or harm.